Bah Humbug. Today’s definitely a Monday, y’know? I don’t mean to be a downer at one of the happiest times of the year, but at the same time I want to keep it real and honest here. Anyone who follows this blog knows about the personal losses I experienced 15+ months ago. Grief is a miserable bitch who tries to break you down one memory at a time, one blow at a time.
One day I’m okay, I’m decorating the tree and figuring out where my Santas, lighted garland, Christmas dolls and stuffed animals will be displayed to their best advantage. My kids are coming. Things are looking up. I’m not exactly gung-ho, but more like…hopeful that the bleakness is lifting.
The next day the kids’ jobs won’t let them come until after Christmas, so my energy flags. I don’t want to clean house and grocery shop and change the sheets for other guests. I don’t want to think about all the cooking and cleaning and effort required. I’m clinging to a yo-yo and someone else controls the string.
It’s quite likely that I’m dreading something that will turn out okay. Thanksgiving wasn’t nearly as awful as I’d feared it would be. I enjoyed having the time with my brother and sister at her house. She and I ended up cleaning out a lot of my mother’s things and the memories were bittersweet, but they didn’t leave my heart in shreds.
Yesterday, I purchased some gifts online. Today, I think I’ll make some Christmas cookies to distribute to the neighbors. That’s a positive type action, right? Whether I’m ready for it or not, the holidays will come and they will go. Life is precious and short. I know I should make the most of it and so I shall. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Ho, ho, ho!